my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
