I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
