seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
