omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
