I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
