i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
