A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
