If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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