You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
