Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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