I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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