The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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