i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
