Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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