please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
