turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
