I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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