Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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