My hand turned me down
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
