Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
