half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Pants are for mortals
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
