I can text with my tongue
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
