tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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