God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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