One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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