the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
