just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
