Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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