I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
