Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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