Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
