Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
