Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
