so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
