for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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