I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
