just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
