I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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