3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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