Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
