just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
