i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
