What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Girls should come with a carfax report
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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