Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
