At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
