We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
