dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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