Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.