She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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