Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
