Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
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I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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