Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
