He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
