I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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