i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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