I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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