shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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